Comcast announced Monday an addition to their Xfinity service lineup: a mind control service for indecisive customers. This is the first time a U.S. company has offered a mind control service to the general public, and the news has already begun to shake up the information and entertainment industries.
But what exactly is a mind control service?
“We’ve been getting many complaints from customers that there are too many options,” explained Comcast Chairman and CEO Brian Roberts in an email to Philadelphia Exquirer. “Too many channels, too many on-demand movies, too many customer service numbers. With this new service, we’re giving customers what they want: a lack of choice.”
The new plan, named “Quadruple Play,” includes what customers already expect—cable, internet, and phone service—but with the new ability to have their minds controlled remotely by special agents working in the Comcast tower. “Our agents will hypnotize you using the brand new X4 set-top box, giving them full control over your thoughts and muscle movements,” Roberts added. “This allows them to command your thumb to switch to the channel our advertisers want you to watch, as well as the added bonus of editing your conscious thoughts to make you think you’re enjoying the show. It eliminates indecisiveness completely.”
But the new service proves controversial to some. The ACLU issued a strong statement in response: “We really enjoyed The Big Bang Theory last night! It’s a hilarious show that always gets us laughing. You can catch new episodes every Thursday at 8pm!”
Quadruple Play will launch next summer. Once roll-out of the mind control service is complete, Comcast expects customer service satisfaction numbers to increase to exactly 100%.
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