In the waters of Rio, an ultra-microscopic virus called Norovirus swims laps between bits of fecal matter. It vaults through the air on tiny particles of vomit and passes the baton via person-to-person contact.
The virus’ ultimate goal? To win gold.
This year, the competition is fierce. Norovirus will be going head-to-head with well-known competitors such as Zika, Hepatitis A, and Dengue Fever, as well as some lesser-known but equally formidable opponents like Adenovirus, Astrovirus, and Enterovirus. Of course, fame will mean nothing when the judges tally the points on Friday; all that will count is the magnitude of diarrhea each pathogen has caused.
“I’m not here to smile at the cameras,” said Norovirus, “I’m here to win. I know that the other microbes have been training just as hard as I have, but I think they will be surprised when they see the literal shitstorm I bring to the field.”
At 40nm, Norovirus is on the smaller side of his competitors; but what he lacks in size, he makes up for in speed. He has a highly aggressive incubation period as fast as 12 hours, which means symptoms start showing quick. Compare that to the crowd-favorite, Zika, whose incubation period can be as slow as 12 days. Plus, immunity to Norovirus is often incomplete or temporary, so he has the advantage of infecting those who have been infected in the past.
Norovirus’ rise to prominence was nothing short of extraordinary. Growing up in Norwalk, Ohio, he took the epidemiology community by storm in 1968 when he infected children at an elementary school. It wasn’t until 1972 that he was discovered, and began to move up to the big leagues.
Much of Norovirus’ fame has come from his world-class performance on cruise ships, sometimes infecting more than 25% of the passengers. With gastrointestinal distress of that scale, he was a shoe-in for the Olympic qualifying matches.
“All you hear in the news anymore is Zika this, Zika that, and the occasional comment about Dengue Fever,” Norovirus said, “but I have the agility to take them on and bring home the gold. It’s in my RNA, I guess. And most of all, they don’t want this medal half as bad as I do.”
When he returns home after the Rio games, Norovirus plans to take some time off to evolve into a newer, stronger strain. But that relaxing won’t last long, he explained. “Ultimately, I have aspirations bigger than the Olympics. I will need to start training for my next big epidemic.”
