Punxsutawney Phil Predicts 4 More Years of Global Warming

The massive crowds gathered in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania were stunned this morning when the world-famous Punxsutawney Phil emerged from his tree-trunk with a chart related to climate change.

According to traditional German folklore, when the groundhog surfaces with peer-reviewed climate data, it means there will be four more years of increase in the global average temperature.

Phil’s findings were independently verified by another groundhog in Canada, where Shubenacadie Sam went so far as to predict that the global average would be 1.5ºC warmer by 2050.

The rodent was met with deafening boos from the spectators, many of whom work in the natural gas industry in Western Pennsylvania. More than 77% of residents in the surrounding Jefferson County voted for Donald Trump in the recent election, hoping that his promise to deregulate oil, gas, and coal extraction would help the local economy.

“That rat is a traitor!” said Bill Jenks, a life-long resident of Punxsutawney. “He’s trying to sell out our livelihoods to the liberal special interests.”

Governor Tom Wolf has been trying to put a new severance tax on hydraulic fracturing since he was elected in 2015, and he hopes that the groundhog’s message will help to change local opinions on the matter. “The industry has been trying to discredit our climate scientists for decades,” Wolf explained. “They say we’re young and we don’t know, that we won’t find out until we grow. Well I don’t know if all that’s true, ’cause you got me, and baby I two more years to pass this tax.”