UPenn’s New Free Speech Rules to Combat “Safe Spaces”

The University of Pennsylvania announced radical revisions to their free speech code this week, hoping to curb the growth of “safe spaces” and political correctness on the campuses of American universities.

The new rules will allow any person to speak at any campus event for any reason, no questions asked.

“Penn has always held that the ideals of free speech are necessary for an effective education,” President Amy Gutmann said in a press briefing, “and it is because of those ideals that we have decided to implement this new policy.”

Gutmann listed several recent cases which had “personally upset” her: “A few months ago, we hosted an OB/GYN medical symposium at Penn, and I learned that there were several vocal Catholic protesters that were barred from speaking at the conference. They should get a turn at the microphone as well. A top scientist with Koch Industries was denied a seat at a panel on climate change. A representative from the Communist Party of China was not allowed to speak at a conference on censorship. These situations hamper the academic endeavor.”

At one point during the press briefing, a man claiming he was Santa Claus stumbled up to the podium, and Gutmann gladly gave him space to speak into the microphone. “Those damn elves think they can kick me out, but then who will deliver the gifts?!” he shouted.